We all want to be happier, yet few of us actually know how to actually do this. And I’m not just talking about being happy with our circumstances either. Circumstantial happiness like getting a new job or a raise, buying a new car or home, entering into a relationship, going on a vacation or the myriad of other things we say we need to be happy come and go. Like the wind. The truth is once we get the circumstantial happiness we have been craving – and at times lusting for –  we quickly become dissatisfied and eventually turn our attention to other things we think we NOW must get or achieve in order for us to be truly happy. And if we’re not careful, we end up chasing “happiness cycles” throughout our lives – we chase one happiness high and then want the next happiness high without truly enjoying our lives in the meantime. 

I used to rush into and out of these “happiness” cycles myself. I would set a goal in some area of my life, achieve it, be satisfied for a while, and then immediately forget about – or become dissatisfied with – what I just achieved and focus on the next thing. My life was always about “the next thing” but I was never happy with “the current thing.” And the reason I was never happy with the current thing is because I was facing traps within myself that were preventing me from seeing the truth about myself or what I needed to be happy both in the moment and for the long term. 

I will go into greater detail in this series about the traps I was facing in becoming happy – and perhaps that you  or a loved one might be facing too. These traps exist in our minds, emotions, relationships, bodies, workplaces, circumstances, and the world, and we must be able to identify them in order to overcome them. Check in again soon for Part 2 as I take us deeper into the common traps standing in the way of our happiness.

You are VERY, VERY COMPLICATED. I am too. Our mixture of good and bad intentions, good and bad traits, and good and bad behaviors leave us feeling, saying, and doing very complex (and sometimes contradictory) things. Some of these things we’re proud of, others not so much. Sometimes we’re strong and self-aware enough to see the dualistic sides of ourselves. But other times – especially if we are feeling insecure, afraid, or too proud – we don’t have a realistic view about who we truly are.

Ancient wisdom tells us that every person is “right in their own eyes.” Translation: we all think we are doing the right thing or the best that we can. And most of the time this is true. But the problem is that sometimes it’s not true. Sometimes we are not doing right, sometimes we are not doing our best – and a lot of times we don’t even know it. As human beings, our capacity for self-deception is pretty high (just think about the time when most humans thought the earth was flat or when many societies believed cannibalism was morally ok). 

In today’s society, when you look at major criminals, for example, many of them believe what they’re doing is right. They feel justified by or entitled to their behavior. They convince themselves it’s ok to harm this person, steal that money, break that law. If they do it often enough – even if they initially have good intentions or experience guilt as the consequence of their actions – their morality changes over time and their criminality becomes just a normal part of life. It becomes morally ok to them. Why? Because the repetition of a thought or action creates its “rightness” to them (even if that thought or action is “bad”). The same is true for me and you when it comes to our bad sides – if we think or do bad things often enough (even if they’re not criminal, which I know they aren’t) we begin to think or believe that we’re right or justified in feeling or behaving a certain way – even if we’re wrong.

As a consequence, we often default to defending our bad traits by 1) saying that is just the way we are or 2) believing that because deep down we are a good person it’s ok to have a flaw or two (even if these flaws are hurting the people dearest to us). But we have to get over these beliefs, we have to get over justifying the bad sides of ourselves. If we want to evolve and grow as people we have to stop excusing our bad behaviors just because we’ve had them a long time and stop thinking other people should just get over them (while we still expect them to change their bad behaviors because they’re hurting or frustrating us). We have to stop letting our bad side dictate to our good side who’s boss more often than we currently are.

The reality is the good side of you intrinsically outweighs your bad side. That’s the good news. But because life can become so hectic and stressful you sometimes don’t realize this. You sometimes forget about all of your good traits – and I KNOW YOU HAVE MORE THAN YOU CAN COUNT even if you sometimes don’t feel that way – and so you can therefore easily slip into your bad sides, your bad habits, and your bad behaviors without knowing it. If you’re  intentional enough, though, you can guard against falling into your bad habits through practicing self-awareness and committing to being your best, most positive self regardless of whether or not you’re having a good or bad day. You can CHOOSE to be GOOD YOU rather than BAD YOU. Most of the time.